LAST NIGHT CAMERON DIAZ CAME ROUND AND DEMANDED SEX

Incredibly,
what happened was,
I mean I know you’re not
going to believe this
but it’s true,
I wouldn’t lie to you,
not like some people,
you know –
those people who
the moment
they open their mouths
you know
there’s going to be rubbish
coming out –
braggers,
boasters,
narcissists,
ego junkies,
buffoons,
gossip mongers,
liars basically.
Not that I have to qualify
what I’m about
to tell you either,
I mean
I don’t have to say it’s true
because it is
but I’m saying it’s true
just in case
you think
I’m one of those people
I just mentioned,
which I’m not,
it’s just that
what I’m about to tell you
is so incredibly unbelievable
that you might think
I’m lying.
And I’m not!
It really did happen.
But last night
Cameron Diaz came round
and demanded sex.

I mean,
the cheek of some women!

I told her,
‘Cameron, I’m sorry,
I just don’t find you attractive.’

She didn’t believe me
(chicks, bru)
but it’s true,
I’m not a liar.

Any way she begged
and begged
until eventually
just to get her
off my doorstep
I took her inside
and up to the bedroom
where I showed her my
scatter cushions.

She took off all her clothes.

‘Cameron’, I said, ‘please, control yourself.’

She couldn’t.

Next thing she’s launched herself
into the light fitting,
swings across,
and suddenly
we’ve scattered those cushions
to all ends of the world.

Now,
I can’t help it
if she finds me irresistible,
it’s not my fault.
And I can’t help it
that this story
is so hard to believe
but believe you me
it’s true,
as true as anything else
that’s unbelievable.
And there’s a lot out there.

And some of it is even true.

As for Cameron Diaz –
I’ve had to change my address.

Nightmare.